The Mayer of some town put out tenders to have a statue put up in his town.
Three people quoted;

The Mayer invited them for an interview. First, the Englishman was called in. He quoted R3 000, and the Mayor wanted him to brake down his quote.
“R1 000 FOR ME, r1 000 FOR METERIALS, AND r1 000 FOR THE WORKERS.” HE EXPLAINED.
Next came in Koos, who quoted R6 000, and also had to explain;
“R3 000 for me, R2 000 for the workers, and R1 000 for material.”

The third man was Gammatjie, who quoted R9 000. His explanation was as follows’
“R3 000 for me, R3 000 for you, Your Honor, and R3 000 to pay the Englishman to do the job.”

From being thrown out of schools on account of disability to receiving the Prathiba scholarship for excellence in academics, and later receiving a research scholarship at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, USA; from being the first disabled Indian to skydive to being one of the youngest and least experienced to be admitted into the prestigious Indian School of Business, life has been one roller coaster of a ride for me.

And now, as I sit back and look at the past, I must write of a one particular feeling that stands out. The feeling of the surprise and shock that people felt, the discouragement I faced, the fear that was put in and the sympathy I faced, when I first announced to people around me that, in spite of my disability, I will go to the U.S. all alone and study there for my M.S. program.

Having lived as someone who has metallic crutches as an extension to my body and having born into a typical lower middle-class Indian family, my dream of going to the U.S. all alone and studying there was received with a lot of fear by my loved ones and cynicism by the ones who heard it.

Many myths about the U.S.A and the kind of life there were thrown at me. I was made to feel scared, terrified and petrified.

Yet I went. Contrary to common misconceptions, I witnessed the U.S.A to be an extremely sensitive and very accommodative place, especially to the needs of the physically-challenged.

Whether it be a university or a work place, whether it be a restaurant or a sports ground, whether it be in a bus or train, a physically-challenged person is always provided the best of infrastructural facilities that one can only imagine in our country.

In fact, so accommodative are the facilities and so sensitive are people about the needs of the physically-challenged, that even a person like me who hadn't walked on my own for the first 20 years of my life here in India survived there for one-and-half years.

In the harshest of weather conditions, in a place where it snows for seven months of the year and in a place where I was told I can never live all alone, I lived and made a life for myself.

And I made a life for myself not out of sympathy, but made a life for myself out of sensitivity, out of support only for talent and real merit, out of living in top-class infrastructural facilities, out of accommodative and special facilities for the disabled and out of constant awareness of the rights that I possess in that country.

For all the physically disabled people who back their talent and are passionately dreaming of making it to the U.S.A someday, these videos will give an insight into life there - ‘http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFA2zUu1rp0' and ‘http:// www.youtube.com/

watch?v=JEXQZycFf0I'





SAI PRASAD VISHWANATHAN


(The writer is a physically challenged student who is presently admitted in the MBA course at the Indian School of Business. He did his Masters in Engineering from USA. He can be reached at happy.blissfull@gmail.com)

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Howick.
The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions...

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.

Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded. "The very first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

This made me laugh out loud...



Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy..

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope for dear life, between two very high buildings.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go of the rope, Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in
general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . . .

(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you... Tray-up, Bitch'

The U.S. Department of Energy has awarded major responsibility for the
development of a third-generation retina prosthesis to Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory, California. The third-generation
artificial retina will enable previously blind people to read,
recognize people's faces and restore mobility so that people can
navigate about the world again using their sight.

The retinal implant is designed for the millions of patients worldwide
suffering from retinitis pigmentosa and age-related macular
degeneration, since it implants an electrode array atop the old
damaged retina to stimulate the undamaged nerve ganglia lying
underneath, with image information wirelessly transmitted to it from a
video camera mounted on a pair of eyeglasses.

The first-generation implants were successfully tested on six
patients, but only held 16 electrodes (4-by-4-pixel array), which
enabled the crude perception of lighted areas versus darkness after
about 15 seconds. The second-generation implant upped the electrode
array to 60 electrodes, which enabled 34 test patients to recognize
doorways and windows as well as the edges that assist in navigation,
such as walls and low-lying branches, after about 3 seconds.

The goal of the third generation of the implant will be to increase
the electrode array to more than 200 electrodes, which will enable the
near instantaneous recognition of text for reading, pictures and all
the edge cues needed to navigate the world unaided. Ultimately, the
artificial retinal will contain over 1,000 electrodes, which should
restore instantaneous recognition of faces and other fine details that
should fully integrate patients back into everyday society.

The artificial retinas are being fabricated on silicon wafers by LLNL
with the assistance of four other national laboratories, four
universities and a private company, Second Sight Medical Products
(Sylmar, Calif.), the latter of which will be responsible for
commercializing the third-generation device, including performing all
the field trials necessary to obtain full Food and Drug Administration
(FDA) approval.

Also instrumental in the third-generation device will be the Doheny
Eye Institute, at the University of Southern California (Los Angeles),
which will provide the clinical testing of the electrode array
implants, and Argonne National Laboratory (Illinois), which will use
its ultrananocrystalline diamond film technology to hermetically seal
the package for the prosthetic device to protect it from the salty
environment inside the eyeball.

The third-generation retinal implants are fabricated 12 at a time on
silicon wafers using LLNL's polymer-based micro-fabrication
techniques. The entire retinal implant assembly is composed of a
thin-film electrode array that contains the neural electrodes and a
biocompatible package that contains the electronics for stimulating
the retina, as well as a wireless receiver for powering the device and
receiving the image data from the camera. LLNL is also developing a
companion ocular surgical tool that will enable the easy insertion and
attachment of the thin-film electrode array inside the eye.

Other project contributors include Los Alamos National Laboratory, Oak
Ridge National Laboratory, Sandia National Laboratory, California
Institute of Technology, North Carolina State University and the
University of California at Santa Cruz.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

President Zuma today announced that they are changing the national
flag to the shape of a condom because it accurately reflects our
government's political status.


A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a false sense of
security while you are actually being screwed.

Dearest Girl:
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 1999. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 1999 at 1500 Hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
[Boy]


MODERN REPLY OF MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dear Boy:
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal . However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction.However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a luxury car and bungalow will be entertained.
Please also note that there should be no restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
[Girl]

Hello Friends,

This is an article on mathematical ability of one of the members of the Inclusive Planet appeared in the newspaper a few years ago. It is being reproduced below for the information of the planeteers and others:

THE HINDU-03.12.2005

Her fingers work their magic on the abacus
Karthik Madhavan


COIMBATORE: N. Sneha is adept at calculating using an abacus. Her deft fingers dance up and down the rows of beads to arrive at the answer.
The ninth grader from Sri Avinashilingam Higher Secondary School For Girls here can only feel the abacus. Each time the numbers are read out, she moves her right hand along the dividing bar to feel for a small dent on the bar, which indicates the `units' row. After identifying it her fingers, fine-tuned with practice, zip as the numbers are dictated.
She is as good as any of her classmates, says her abacus mentor M. K. Shivaa, who runs the National Institute of Abacus Education (NIAE). Things were different a few months ago, when Sneha wanted to join an abacus coaching institute. Her parents knocked at the doors of many institutes. Most of them refused.
Says Sneha's mother Somalatha: "We struggled hard to find an institute that was ready to teach a visually challenged girl. Nobody came forward. We fail to understand what visual disability has got to do with one's intelligence."
It was then that NIAE conducted a seminar on abacus education at Sneha's school. She informed her parents who contacted Dr. Shivaa. Recalls Ms. Somalatha, "When Dr. Shivaa expressed his willingness to teach our daughter, we were delighted." Ever since, Sneha has not looked back.
Says Dr. Shivaa, "We took it as a challenge to teach abacus to Sneha because the teaching methodology had to be modified to suit her needs."
The teachers had to sit beside her to guide her fingers. The next stage was to assist her in identifying the `units,' `tens' and `hundreds' rows and positioning the hands accordingly.
"Once she familiarised herself with the arrangement on an abacus, she was slowly taught to move the beads for addition and subtraction," says Dr. Shivaa.
Sneha admits that the first few days posed a challenge. "Once I identified the `units' column, the rest was easy." Today she can calculate without an abacus. No sooner are a series of ten single-digit numbers read out to her than she comes up with the answer.
"Regular abacus users paint a mental picture of an abacus. Once numbers are read out, their fingers start moving accordingly in the air to arrive at the answer," explains Dr. Shiva.

A guy called Koos had his oranges with 75 percent alcohol ready when he attended a rugby match, but he could only find a seat at the very back of the pavilion.

As he looked down over his orange, he noticed that he couldn’t see the rugby field, let alone a rugby player; he’d have to find himself a seat much closer to the field. He then noticed an open seat, right in front, exactly at the centerline. It took him half an hour to struggle through the crowd to reach the vacant seat. He asked the man sitting next to the vacant seat whether the seat belongs to someone, or may he occupy it?

The man told him the seat belongs to his wife, but that she has died.

Koos then wanted to know from the man why he didn’t give the seat to one of his relatives.

The man answered; “They have all gone to her funeral.”

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
< 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

<
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Four friends occupied one room,
“mad”, “brain”, “somebody” and “nobody”.
One day, somebody killed nobody.
That time, brain was in washroom, mad called police.
Mad: is it police station?
Police: yes, what’s the matter?
Mad: somebody killed nobody!
Police: are you mad?
Mad: yes, I am Mad.
Police: do you have brain?
Mad: no, Brain is in the washroom.

Thoroughly irritated, the police disconnected.

every book remains in the state of rest or covered by dust until an external force of exam act upon us.

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

a man was reading a book on blood's information with a heavy seriousness.
his wife asked him: why are you reading this book today?
the man replied: the doctor has said that tomorrow's my blood test; so iam preparing for the test for tomorrow.

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN JOHANNESBURG.

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 July 2008 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know
that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors,quite as honourable and important as you,
and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,

Sipho

PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Send this to a clever female you know , or a man with a sense of humour...I just did

Does the above saying count for blindies, or is it impossible for us to be wicked since our 'eyes' are already closed as such?

Came into my head while listening to following song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U631FGnXDXY

(Cage the elephant - Ain't no rest for the wicked)

a drunk was undergoing treatment.

drunk: doctor i am very sick these days. i cant see very well even though i have stopped drinking more than 3 pegs a day.

doc: the result of your blood test arrived yesterday. your problem is very simple. too little blood in your alcohol stream.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead!!"

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night
with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

--------------------------------------------------------

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
$250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlord.

Mark as unread

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
Assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
And there are a lot of testing and background checks involved
Before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,
Training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get
The extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
Took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
What the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
Will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
Her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
Serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
For this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
Gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
What the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
Gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
Gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
Then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
His eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
Trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
Job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
Your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
To the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We
Must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what
The circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
Your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
Closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
Another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
On for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
Sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
Was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with
The chair!"

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three
Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple
engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take
their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a
rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When
they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a
ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram
into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another
one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest
room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Hitler was about to visit a mental hospital. All the inmates were trained hard to greet him with "Hail Hitler!!!".
When Hitler arrived he was very pleased to find all the inmates standing in formation and greeting him until he found one old guy standing on the side and ignoring him. Hitler got irritated and asked him why he wasnt greeting him like the others. The man replied;"I am the Doctor, I am not mad."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Two recent court cases, have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa
1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.
The moral of this South African story:
If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes around, kill him!
You'll save R500.

As the TV Add, trying to convince you to pay your license says:
”It's the Right Thing To Do....”

On the eve of recent family and friends gathering, there were many marvelous performances by the kids as well as elders.
Some individuals were given the duty to entertain during the fillers.
Accordingly, I was given a slot of 5 minutes and to make the best possible use, I was introduced as the guest lecturer of the day.

Like a super model, I ascended the stage.
As if I was the higher most authority, enquired about the willingness of the people in blood donation.
Naturally, almost all the audience raised their hands.
Then, I sweetly advised the spectators to be seated in their respective seats since the mosquitoes were ready to take the initiative of the blood collection.

This was followed by the IQ test,
“How many words are there in English language?” Formed the first oppugn. [There is only one single word; W-O-R-d in English language].

The second query was “Define Wife”.
1. Without Information Fighting For ever.
2. With Idiot For Ever.
3. Witty, Intelligent, Friendly and extraordinary.
4. World’s International Fundamental Enemy.
Etc were some of the answers given.

While concluding, I taught the addressees “A” and made them repeat “A” twice, thrice, five times, ten times,
And finally I said, “I think, for time being you have successfully learnt “”A”” and if you invite me the following year as well, I shall take great but pleasurable pains to teach you “”B””.

“Here lies a lawyer:
An honest man….”

Visitor: ”I say, they’ve buried two people in THIS one grave here!”

BREAST MILK

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question
on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of
breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more,
he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he
brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.




" ASH 2003"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dic

How All Careers End


Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.

BY DECREE OF THE SOUTH AFRICAN PARLIAMENT, NOBODY SHALL
CALL ANYBODY BY HIS/HER OLD TITLE AS FROM
2007

* Garden Boy : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist.

*House Maid: Family Environments Upkeep Manager

* Receptionist: Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist

* Typist: Printed Document Handler

* Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer

* Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician

* Temporary Teacher: Associate Tutor

* Tea Boy: Refreshment Overseer

* Garbage Collector: Public Sanitation Technician

* Watchman: Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer

* Prostitute: Practical Sexual Relations Officer

* Thief: Wealth Distribution Officer

* Driver
: Automobile Propulsion Specialist

* Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist

* Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager

* Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Do Not Forget
…..

Gossiping : News Research and Dissemination Management officer.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well,
you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly
line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God
Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and
introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented
Woman, what were You thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some
major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report,
and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is
flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says,
“Hmm, this person looks familiar.”

The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”

So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it's me!”

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

This is not the Computer Science channel, but, here’s how those of you who always wanted to get rid of me, can do:
1. Right-click anywhere on an open space.

2.Now, up-arrow until you hear or see; “New”, and press Enter.

2. Down-arrow, until you hear or see;”Microsoft Word Doc”, and press Enter

3. Press Del once, and write; “deon”, and press Enter.

4. You will now have me there, right in front of you, on your computer: Press Shift + Del. It will ask you; “Are you sure you want to completely remove “Deon”, and all his rubbish?”

5. Firmly, press ENTER; and I will be gone. Does that make you happy?

Tomorrow, you can start your day by doing your favourite enemy….

Dearest Koos,

I'm writing this letter very slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the
newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20km of home,
so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It
even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained
twice last week, the first time for three day's and the second time
for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send, your oom
Frikkie
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Piet locked his keys
in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this
morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if
you are a aunt or uncle. I was told it is almost black. I think she
spend too much time in the sun when she was pregnant always
helping
Jonas the farmhand to collect mielies. Oom Wessels fell into a
Whiskey
vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off
and drowned. We had him cremated, it took 5 days to put the fire
out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's open bakkie, I
always knew this thing is dangerous.Janneman was driving. He rolled
down the window and swam to safety.Your other two friends were on
the
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Betsie.

P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the
envelope...

One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds,
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous
man who ever lived.

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Gujji Patel boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Raj, come up here and I'll
give you the 10 pounds that I promised."

As the teacher was giving Raj his money, she said, "You know Raj, since
you're a Patel; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Raj replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but business is
business!"

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

A Durbanite drove into Jozi and stopped at a rough nightclub in
Yeoville...When he came out, his car was gone...He rushed back into the
bar, plled out a gun and fired a shot into the ceiling...
"Who stole my f****n car?" he yelled...No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my wheels aren't back outside by the
time I finished, I'm gonna be forced to do what I did back in
Chatsworth!"

The guy had another beer and his car mysteriously returned...The
bartender followed him out of the bar and asked, "What happened in
Chatsworth?"

The guy smiled and said "Eish, I had to walk home"

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some
altitude so we can see where we are.

" Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let?s
ask that guy on the ground." So, Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer." Harry says,
"How can you tell?" "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that
because
he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in an Arrive
Alive
safety competition. Being a ZIMBABIAN , the driver could hardly
believe
his luck. "What are you going to do with your
cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers licence," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He
tries
to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment
there
was a knock from the boot and a voice said, "Are we over the border
yet?"
The cop fainted.

a BruinO, a WitO and a Durban Charro are in a bar...

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in
the corner.

He looks so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the BruinO twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters
and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks
the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks,
Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the BruinO and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the BruinO gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the WitO's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Durban Charro who knocks over a chair and
a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong?" asks Jesus.

The Durban Charro shouts, "F*CK OFFFFFF, I'm on a disability
grant!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
_____________________

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
_________________________
Question and Answers!!
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him
_______________________

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it
to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet
and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."